Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
