Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
