How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
