i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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