just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize