I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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