sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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