the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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