so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
