So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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