Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
