I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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