Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Randomize
