We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
