I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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