I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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