remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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