I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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