Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
