My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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