you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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