We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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