I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
