I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
