I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The ass gains better be worth it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
