I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
