one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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