Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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