I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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