So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
