I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
