The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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