everyone is single if you try hard enough
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
