Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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