ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
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I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
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There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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