Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
