I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
