I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize