My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I need to calm my uterus...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
