Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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