In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
