So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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