I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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