Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
