My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
