Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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