Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
