there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
