Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
