I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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