I have demons in me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
