I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
