you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize